Why Breakups CRUSH Anxious Attachers

Breakups generally suck for most folks, but for those of us with an anxious attachment style, that shit can be absolutely soul-crushing. I’d like to share a bit about why this could be. One of my last breakups was particularly instructive. At the time, I was already years deep into therapy and recovery from codependencyContinue reading “Why Breakups CRUSH Anxious Attachers”

Why You Won’t Date Anyone Healthier Than You Can Handle

Do you date people who are emotionally unavailable, immature, or somehow unable to give you what you want in a relationship? Just for fun, let’s do a little experiment… Write down your complaint(s) about your past or present relationship(s). Example: My partner is never there for me. Now, write down the opposite or the thing youContinue reading “Why You Won’t Date Anyone Healthier Than You Can Handle”

Looking For Safety In All The Wrong Places

Safety is a fundamental human necessity. A biological imperative. Any living organism that doesn’t feel safe is liable to act on survival instinct and impulsive reflexes. When people feel safe, they act like people; when they don’t feel safe, they act like animals. Makes sense, yeah? Ok, so why are so many people out hereContinue reading “Looking For Safety In All The Wrong Places”

Denial: The Gift and The Curse

People need to believe they’re not reprehensible turds to keep from suck-starting any shotguns. So, from a biological standpoint, denial is an evolutionary advantage. In terms of personal growth and development, however, denial is an invisible hurdle that sufferers don’t even know they have to clear. It’s kind of an impossible situation. Gaslighting, for example.Continue reading “Denial: The Gift and The Curse”

Shame: The Shit-talkin-est Emotion Ever

Most human emotions show up right on time — sadness after a death, joy during a wonderful experience, etc. They’re rather predictable and relatively well-behaved. Shame, on the other hand, quietly slides in unannounced through the back door you didn’t know it had a key to. It wears your mistakes like the rings on a pimp andContinue reading “Shame: The Shit-talkin-est Emotion Ever”

Getting Exactly What You Settle For

Why do people settle for less in relationships? 1) Unresolved relational trauma. 2) Lack of self-worth, self-esteem, self-awareness, self-care. Toxic shame. Broken relationship with self. 3) The oxytocin tsunami of early love makes them blind, docile, and complacent. None of these is your “fault.” But they’re definitely your responsibility. Telling yourself or someone else toContinue reading Getting Exactly What You Settle For

Trading Authenticity for Connection

Who were you before you learned who you had to be to receive love? I hate that so many innocent children feel like they have to trade in their authenticity for connection. Sometimes I think conditional love is almost worse than no love at all. Sure, not being loved for who you are is tough,Continue reading Trading Authenticity for Connection

Hand Grenades Made of Silence

You know what’s worse for a relationship than fighting all the time? Not fighting all the time. There is productive conflict and unproductive conflict — sometimes good, sometimes bad. But the complete absence of conflict in a relationship is always a problem. Obviously, I’m not talking about new relationships in the honeymoon phase of unicorn rides throughContinue reading Hand Grenades Made of Silence

The Inherent Pitfalls of Dating

Dating is a funny thing. In theory, it means two people mutually sharing their authentic selves to see if their values, goals, and personalities align enough to make a long-term relationship viable. However, that’s not even fucking close to what people are out here doing. But why??? If we’re not doing that, what exactly areContinue reading The Inherent Pitfalls of Dating