Attachment, Authenticity, Trauma, Addiction, Recovery

Life and love are hard. We have patterns and bad habits that seem unexplainable. Or, we get into relationships and can’t seem to stay connected to our partner or ourselves. Why? These patterns of attention-seeking and disconnection are adopted out of the need to survive. Our lives literally depend on it. Let’s take a lookContinue reading “Attachment, Authenticity, Trauma, Addiction, Recovery”

Broken Picker Syndrome

There are two fundamentally distinct types of “I keep choosing awful partners.” One of them arises from simply not knowing any better — a mere problem of immaturity or ignorance. The other results from much deeper developmental wounds and can be discouragingly difficult to resolve. People often refer to this as Broken Picker Syndrome. I’d like toContinue reading “Broken Picker Syndrome”

Dating Your Shadow To Become Whole

I know a couple who’ve been married for decades. He’s a jovial social butterfly with nothing but smiles and puns for the world. She’s more like Benito Mussolini with hemorrhoids — salty, controlling, and downright intimidating. I’ve never seen her smile, despite being married to The Spirit of Christmas himself. They say opposites attract. Quite a vagueContinue reading “Dating Your Shadow To Become Whole”

Feelings: A Soul’s Check Engine Light

Let’s say you’re driving a car and the check engine light comes on. Do you know what happens if you ignore it and keep driving? Literally nothing. The car is fine, you’re fine, everything is fine, ok? Fine. It’s usually something simple — an air filter, oxygen sensor, or spark plug — something you could replace in about tenContinue reading “Feelings: A Soul’s Check Engine Light”

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attachment style is often the result of unboundaried, inconsistent, abusive, or unreliable parenting. It could also come from fantastic parents who did all the right things but were nonetheless emotionally unavailable. In any event, the child learns to value autonomy, independence, security, and protection over things like vulnerability, connection, and intimacy. The outcomeContinue reading “Understanding Avoidant Attachment”

Authenticity Is A One-Person Job

The word authenticity comes from the Latin words auto, meaning self, and tenere, meaning to have or to hold. Thus, being authentic means to have a self. In a world where so many people are trying to look, sound, or be like someone else, fully embracing yourself for everything you are and everything you areContinue reading “Authenticity Is A One-Person Job”

De-Selfed: Why Don’t I Know Who I Am?

Some of us had to deny ourselves to survive childhood. Maybe it was clear you didn’t matter. Perhaps being seen was a bad thing because your family was so abusive and dysfunctional, and it was better to not rock the boat. Maybe you were constantly invalidated, belittled, mocked, criticized, or micromanaged. It may have beenContinue reading “De-Selfed: Why Don’t I Know Who I Am?”

The Healing Power of Relationships

When I made that left turn on green, a car doing about fifty seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Time stood still, and I saw the look of sheer terror in the eyes and faces of each of the car’s occupants. It’s a look you never forget. Even as windows exploded, airbags deployed, and reality crumpledContinue reading “The Healing Power of Relationships”