Author Archives: Adam

Life and love are hard. We have patterns and bad habits that seem unexplainable. Or, we get into relationships and can’t seem to stay connected to our partner or ourselves. Why? These patterns of attention-seeking and disconnection are adopted out of the need to survive. Our lives literally depend on it. Let’s take a lookContinue reading “Attachment, Authenticity, Trauma, Addiction, Recovery”

There are two fundamentally distinct types of “I keep choosing awful partners.” One of them arises from simply not knowing any better — a mere problem of immaturity or ignorance. The other results from much deeper developmental wounds and can be discouragingly difficult to resolve. People often refer to this as Broken Picker Syndrome. I’d like toContinue reading “Broken Picker Syndrome”

I know a couple who’ve been married for decades. He’s a jovial social butterfly with nothing but smiles and puns for the world. She’s more like Benito Mussolini with hemorrhoids — salty, controlling, and downright intimidating. I’ve never seen her smile, despite being married to The Spirit of Christmas himself. They say opposites attract. Quite a vagueContinue reading “Dating Your Shadow To Become Whole”

The survival tools you use to escape a shitty childhood are not tools you can use to build a healthy adulthood. This is not always immediately obvious for a couple of reasons. Firstly, a dysfunctional family system will misinform you, confuse you, and leave you ill-equipped to skillfully engage with reality. Especially as it relatesContinue reading “Survival vs. Living”

Let’s say you’re driving a car and the check engine light comes on. Do you know what happens if you ignore it and keep driving? Literally nothing. The car is fine, you’re fine, everything is fine, ok? Fine. It’s usually something simple — an air filter, oxygen sensor, or spark plug — something you could replace in about tenContinue reading “Feelings: A Soul’s Check Engine Light”

Have you ever had full knowledge of the solution to your problem but simply could not execute? What the shit is that all about? So many people feel trapped, powerless, and hopeless against seemingly insurmountable obstacles in their lives. They often describe it as being “stuck.” The million-dollar question, therefore, is how do you getContinue reading “Getting Unstuck”

An avoidant attachment style is often the result of unboundaried, inconsistent, abusive, or unreliable parenting. It could also come from fantastic parents who did all the right things but were nonetheless emotionally unavailable. In any event, the child learns to value autonomy, independence, security, and protection over things like vulnerability, connection, and intimacy. The outcomeContinue reading “Understanding Avoidant Attachment”

The word authenticity comes from the Latin words auto, meaning self, and tenere, meaning to have or to hold. Thus, being authentic means to have a self. In a world where so many people are trying to look, sound, or be like someone else, fully embracing yourself for everything you are and everything you areContinue reading “Authenticity Is A One-Person Job”

Some of us had to deny ourselves to survive childhood. Maybe it was clear you didn’t matter. Perhaps being seen was a bad thing because your family was so abusive and dysfunctional, and it was better to not rock the boat. Maybe you were constantly invalidated, belittled, mocked, criticized, or micromanaged. It may have beenContinue reading “De-Selfed: Why Don’t I Know Who I Am?”

When I made that left turn on green, a car doing about fifty seemingly appeared out of nowhere. Time stood still, and I saw the look of sheer terror in the eyes and faces of each of the car’s occupants. It’s a look you never forget. Even as windows exploded, airbags deployed, and reality crumpledContinue reading “The Healing Power of Relationships”