Fear of Intimacy or Abandonment?

People with an anxious attachment style have a conscious fear of abandonment and a subconscious fear of intimacy. People with an avoidant attachment style have a conscious fear of intimacy and a subconscious fear of abandonment. I know, crazy, right? Anxious folks felt abandoned as children, either physically or emotionally, so their fear of abandonmentContinue reading “Fear of Intimacy or Abandonment?”

Is Your Insecure Attachment Style a Problem?

Attachment Theory is relatively simple, yet it provides such profound insights into human behavior in relationships. I’m delighted to see people openly discussing their attachment style as these ideas filter into the mainstream. My biggest concern, however, is the shame, judgment, and negative connotations associated with insecure attachment styles. Perhaps you’ve heard that anxious attachmentContinue reading “Is Your Insecure Attachment Style a Problem?”

Let Go of the Story in Your Head

I got COVID for my birthday this year. Yeah, no shit. I drove about four hours from where we live in Panama to Uvita, Costa Rica (plus two hours of hellish border crossing that required more paperwork than adopting a child). Spent a few nights there at the beach by myself — I really enjoy my ownContinue reading “Let Go of the Story in Your Head”

Inner Critic: Spokesperson for Internalized Toxic Shame

Self-criticism, self-loathing, negative self-talk — these are typically indicators of unmet childhood needs that you blamed yourself for. For example, perhaps you only got attention from your parents when you were well-behaved and “successful” (hell, this may still be true), so you learned to punish the shit out of yourself for not being good and perfect allContinue reading “Inner Critic: Spokesperson for Internalized Toxic Shame”

Self-Love: Easier Said Than Done

How much time, energy and resources do you spend trying to get other people to like you, love you, notice, appreciate, understand, admire, respect, or agree with you? How often do you trade authenticity for connection? Do you find yourself compulsively checking your phone for responses, likes, views, or comments? Your first reaction may beContinue reading “Self-Love: Easier Said Than Done”

The #1 Sign of Healing from Trauma

“Trauma teaches us to fear our feelings rather than feel our feelings because feeling them would be far more dangerous,” explains physician Gabor Maté. Amidst the abuse, abandonment, or neglect of shitty childhood experiences, if we truly felt the depth of despair and horror that was present in us, we may have taken our ownContinue reading “The #1 Sign of Healing from Trauma”

The #1 Sign of Unresolved Trauma

Humans have just been procreating and traumatizing the shit out of each other since the dawn of time. Largely not on purpose, I believe. But the emotional suppression required to live with unresolved trauma is exactly the ignorance that ensures we inflict our wounds onto those around us — especially our children. To clarify, trauma isn’t necessarilyContinue reading “The #1 Sign of Unresolved Trauma”

When Your Survival Strategies Start Killing You

All human behavior serves a function. Your most addictive, compulsive, self-destructive, self-abandoning, and self-sabotaging behavior? Yup. You do that shit for a reason. Human beings, if nothing else, are highly adaptable creatures. It’s one of our greatest evolutionary advantages. However, what often happens is: We experience childhood abuse, neglect, enmeshment, abandonment, or unmet needs. Trauma,Continue reading “When Your Survival Strategies Start Killing You”

Three Types of Boundaries

Life is too short to be hanging out with negative people — even if they’re family. Sarcasm, pessimism, cynicism, one-upping, constant complaining, chronic discontent, blamey, shamey, judgey, negative influences. Most forms of negativity are trauma responses, vulnerability avoidance tactics, or some kind of maladaptive coping mechanism. Botched attempts at protecting themselves or getting their needs met byContinue reading “Three Types of Boundaries”