Resentment and Martyrdom

“Where there is resentment, there is martyrdom.”

~Natalie Ryan Hebert

My friend, mentor, and fellow healer Natalie dropped this heater on me the other day. Hooweee, that’s got some stank on it!

The way I read that (and she can correct me if I’m wrong) is that, if I’m resentful, I’ve probably made a decision at some point, consciously or unconsciously, to suffer needlessly in lieu of setting a boundary, stating a need, protecting myself, disappointing someone, jeopardizing a connection, or taking personal responsibility in some way.

Oftentimes, resentment is just the “evidence” we need to prove how much better than others we are. How much more selfless, self-sacrificing, or thoughtful we are.

Man… with all the shit I put up with, I MUST be a great person!

Resentment is also a lot easier than confrontation, asking for help, or admitting you were wrong.

It is the pain of not dealing with a problem that we choose over the pain of facing the challenge. It’s less work, more comfort zone (familiar suffering is still relatively comfortable), and usually comes with the added benefit of making us feel superior.

It’s kind of a guilty pleasure, I suppose. Like an egotistical indulgence with a victimhood smokescreen that’s just good enough to pass as something other than denial of personal responsibility.

Alternatively, I wonder if those of us who never attained the sympathy, care, admiration, or emotional attunement of our parents cultivate resentment in order to elicit that type of attention from others? To prove to ourselves that we are worthy of such attention.

Hmmm… that quote really has me thinking!

I feel confident that everyone experiences resentment at one time or another. But when resentment shows up, do you use it as an opportunity for growth or justification for staying the same?

Resentments can be quite informative, like triggers that showcase your untended wounds and point you down the path of healing. However, resentment can also become a festering cesspool of self-pity, contempt, justified anger, and self-righteous indignation.

I guess it all depends on what you do with it.

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