People come to me for help with romantic relationships. They soon discover that challenges in present-day relationships are directly connected to difficulties in the primary attachment relationships of their childhood. We rarely have “new” problems. Nor do I believe in the existence of “relationship problems.” There are only personal issues of unresolved trauma, toxic shame, developmental arrests, coping mechanisms, etc. that interfere with our ability to relate healthily with other people.
My clients also learn (reluctantly) that we date at our own level. There is no such thing as one “healthy” partner and one “unhealthy” partner. Thus, blaming the other person for your relational difficulties is not just ridiculous and unhelpful but actually harmful because of the delusional “If only they would change” mentality it fosters. If a failed relationship was truly a “they” problem, how is it that folks go from one failed relationship to the next for their entire lives? Is it likely that everyone they’ve ever dated was “the problem?”
It’s impossible to exit an unhealthy relationship and move laterally into a healthy one. You must learn, heal, grow, mature, and become a different human being. The same “you” will create the same relationships of your past. For sure.
What do you need to know about healing?
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•We are wounded in relationship and we must heal in relationship. I.e., trying to pick yourself up by the bootstraps, figure it out yourself, just “do better,” or “try harder” – these are all doomed to fail. Compulsive self-reliance and refusing to ask for help is literally a trauma response and an unlikely pathway to healthy interpersonal relationship skills.
•Healing is partly cognitive. There is some “book learnin” to do (understanding trauma, attachment, codependency, or whatever). We must also construct a coherent narrative of what happened to us as children to replace the story of our childhood that was created in the mind of a child. Until we get the facts straight, we are most likely to fill in all the gaps with shame, self-loathing, and maladaptive coping mechanisms.
•Healing is partly somatic. Reading about, discussing, and understanding our issues is not sufficient to resolve them. We must have lived, visceral experiences in our bodies that contradict the powerlessness, abandonment, abuse, rejection, despair, etc. that first wired our nervous systems to live in perpetual survival mode. This requires action.
•Healing is no stroll through the daffodils. It’s remarkably difficult, even downright terrifying at times. It requires a sober reevaluation of everything you thought you knew about your identity, values, beliefs, habits, history, and relationships. But it’s definitely possible with the right attitude, resources, support, and guidance.
What does working with me look like?
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
•In our first session, I ask a ton of personal questions about family, childhood, romance, friendships, patterns, addictions, mental health, and impactful experiences. We immediately answer the question, “What’s wrong with me?” (*Spoiler Alert* – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, and you make perfect sense!)
•After every session, I’ll email you an in-depth recap of our time together, including reflections (cognitive work) and action items (somatic work). That way you’ll have a clear, written roadmap of your healing journey – where you came from, what happened to you, what didn’t happen to you but should have, how you adapted, how those adaptations are affecting you today, and what you can do to heal, change, and evolve.
•Ideally, we meet once a week in the beginning to build rapport, momentum, and accountability (and because you can’t *dabble* in transforming your life). But my goal is to give you all the knowledge, tools, resources, encouragement, and guidance you need to feel more empowered and less dependent on me as soon as possible. Over time, we can meet bi-weekly, monthly, or “as needed” (whatever feels right for you).
•As a firm believer in the healing power of authentic connection, I strive to build true partnerships with my clients – less like a sterile, clinical, mentorship, and more like a joyful friendship with someone who’s heavily invested in your mental health. Which means I enjoy frequent contact with folks between sessions, both in a supportive role and just for funsies.
Wanna know more?
Between my quiz, blog, Instagram, testimonials, and the various products and resource pages, there is PLENTY available to you. But if you’d like to ask a specific question or get on my waitlist, please contact me directly. I look forward to it.