Books

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. This is relationship 101 stuff. Accessible, easy read with simple but profound ideas about love, relationships, and communication without exposing the seedy underbelly of childhood trauma, shame, attachment theory, or heavy psychological topics. Great starting point for anyone looking to increase their relational intelligence.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman, the godfather of relationship research. This gem is chock full of quizzes, exercises, strategies, anecdotes, and remarkable data and statistics. Extremely practical guide for understanding what does and does not work in relationships.

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo. Advanced reading. Psychological and spiritual. Perhaps the most brilliantly comprehensive thing ever written on the topic of love. Not for rookies, though. Read a couple other books first so you can appreciate Richo’s genius.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel. “Seeking excitement in the same relationship in which we establish permanence is a tall order,” indeed. Esther has taught me so much that I didn’t know I didn’t know about desire, sex, and relationships. She’s easily in my top five, dead or alive.

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel. Through the lens of infidelity, Esther reveals incredible nuance and emotional depth in relationships that you might not learn about any other way. Everyone could benefit from reading this, not just the broken-hearted. Absolutely brilliant.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Great resource for understanding where relationship patterns come from, how to change, and what showing up in a healthy relationship looks like. Harville and Helen have been counseling couples for decades. Lots of wisdom.

The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love by Pia Mellody. Her perspective on developmental immaturity from childhood to adult relationships is incredibly insightful. How boundaries and communication affect physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy. It’s all there.

No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover. I literally read this whole ass book in one sitting. Couldn’t put it down. Glover explains “Nice Guy Syndrome,” why it’s so malignant, and what to do about it. Maybe you date “nice guys.” Maybe you are one. Not sure what’s worse.

How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind by John Van Epp. Everything no one ever taught you about dating. The “Relationship Attachment Model” is a simple and powerful framework for understanding yourself, potential partners, and how people tend to pair up. Must read.

Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. Humorous, practical, and thought-provoking indictment of our impossible search for unicorns. Backed by research, expert opinion, anecdotes, and personal experience. I thoroughly enjoyed this one.

Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate by Stan Tatkin. Quick, enjoyable read. Not too cerebral in illustrating how attachment theory shows up in dating. Full of helpful exercises, quizzes, myth-busting, anecdotes, and tips for finding a good match.

How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love by Logan Ury. Disregard the subtitle; this is not a scientific book. But it’s full of practical experience and advice from a dating coach who knows her stuff, including pros, cons, and strategies for online dating – something most people are doing with zero guidance.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I dipped this whole book in highlighter juice. Nedra is more quotable than yoda. Don’t think I can recommend a better book on boundaries.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Didn’t know most people communicate like oblivious assholes until I read this book. It’s the secret recipe for understanding effective communication. Literally life-changing.

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson. If you repeatedly fight, argue, or disagree with your partner but never make any progress, this is for sure the book for you. Fun, accessible, practical. The first to apply attachment theory to adult romantic relationships, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy Sue Johnson doesn’t get nearly the recognition she deserves.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. The original book on the widely misunderstood concept of codependency. This is the starting point for most people who recover from the soul-sucking strategy for getting your needs met that doesn’t get your needs met.

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody. Accurate subtitle. Until you understand where your codependency comes from, you’re liable to keeping blaming and shaming yourself for it and not recovering. Get the facts straight.

Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. This is the companion workbook to Facing Codependence, which delves deep into the recovery process (incorporating the twelve steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous). If you wanna do “the work,” this is how. Not for the faint of heart.

Co-Dependents Anonymous. The “Blue Book” is the basic text for the CoDA twelve-step fellowship. They’ve got a ton of amazing literature there (pamphlets, booklets, workbooks), but this is a good place to start.

The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents by Melody Beattie. This book is absolute fire! It’s got a short inspirational reading for every day of the year. Leave it on your nightstand, read it daily, live better.

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. Wow. I’ve never seen anyone paint a more vivid and brutally honest picture of the ravages of codependency in my life. Pretty light on the recovery side of things. But raw, vulnerable, courageous, jaw-dropping at times, and entertaining as all hell.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The quintessential book on attachment theory. If you wanna get into it, start here.

The Anxious Hearts Guide: Rising Above Anxious Attachment by Rikki Cloos. An indispensable resource for moving from anxious to securely attached relating. Complete with homework, challenges, and suggested reading for each stage of the recovery journey – all of which the author has successfully done herself!

The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Cope with the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jasmin Lee Cori. Shwooof… this book is pure fire – for several reasons. But JLC pops the hood on attachment theory and shows you all the inner workings. A must read in order to obtain your black belt in attachment theory.

Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody. Pia uses the terms “love addict” and “love avoidant” (perhaps cringey by today’s standards), but she’s essentially describing the anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic minus attachment theory jargon. Best book I’ve found on the topic.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté. This book spells out the developmental psychology of human attachment through parental relationships with amazing clarity and insight. This ain’t attachment theory – it’s the bedrock attachment theory stands on.

Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie. If you suspect you’ve been (or are) in a toxic relationship, please read this book and arm yourself with the facts about covert and overt relational abuse – and how to protect yourself.

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Dealing with Toxic People: How to Reclaim Your Power from Narcissists and Other Manipulators by Shahida Arabi. I think this title could do without the “HSP” part, but it’s a fantastic resource for understanding abusers and the experiences of the abused. Super validating.

The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. At 4% of the populace (1 in 25), you for sure know a sociopath. But do you know how to spot one? This whole book could be a public service announcement. Seems like info literally everyone needs to know! Fascinating and enjoyable read. A real page-turner.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. Dude has worked with abusive men and their families for over thirty years. Lots of helpful insights, experiences, and observations.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie. Brilliantly articulated understanding of our core wounding and the healing process. Jackson’s idea of the “protective self” was a real game-changer for me. Great read.

Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. This book taught me so much about shame – where it comes from and how it impacts us. For sure one of the best books on the topic. I took pages of notes on this one.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown. Super easy and fun read. Great starting point for embracing your authentic self (the opposite of shame).

Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life by Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron. Another great read on shame. Although this one is very action-oriented and nearly organized like a textbook. A practical resource.

Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown. Phenomenal book on vulnerability, shame, and courage. Great tool for overcoming the barriers to intimacy and authenticity. Check out her Netflix special too!

What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. Trauma often feels like “something wrong with me.” But that’s just not the case. It’s a normal adaptation to abnormal circumstances. Accessible yet thorough introduction to the world of trauma by two of the best in the game.

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. Quintessential OG magnum opus on trauma. Maybe a bit too heavy and brain sciencey for some. But if you wanna deeply understand trauma, read this. Book has over 60,000 five-star reviews for a reason.

Journey Through Trauma: A Trail Guide to the 5-Phase Cycle of Healing Repeated Trauma by Gretchen L. Schmelzer. Straightforward description of the path of healing trauma. Super readable, insightful, and practical. Written by a trauma survivor turned PhD psychologist. If you wanna heal, this is the roadmap.

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine, a modern-day pioneer in somatic healing. This book showed me simply how trauma is a physiological experience and therefore why healing must be as well. Obvious after reading just how much we can learn from wild animals. Not as dense as The Body Keeps the Score, but just as brilliant.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker. Hole. Lee. Shit. This has got to be the most comprehensive and beautifully articulated piece of literature on CPTSD ever written. Truly A to Z on all aspects of understanding and healing – a lifetime of wisdom and experience.

It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn. Just when I thought I knew everything about trauma, this book was like, “Epigenetics and intergenerational trauma responses!” Ahhh!!! Intriguing anecdotes and sage guidance with a tolerable dollop of science and research.

My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem. Phenomenal book at the intersection of racial, collective, and generational trauma, compassionately written by a somatic therapist who gives practical exercises for embodied healing (without moralizing or lecturing).

The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor and Daniel Maté. A holistic view of trauma – attachment, authenticity, addiction, development, disease, stress, society, medicine, and everything in between. A masterful and comprehensive view of the human condition.

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook – What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing by Bruce Perry. Dude is the undisputed GOAT of childhood trauma. This book is gnarly, but wildly fascinating and insightful. Not required reading, but still fire.

In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction by Gabor Maté. After working with a bajillion drug addicts in Vancouver’s downtown east-side (as their physician), Gabor realizes trauma is at the root of all addiction. Anecdotes, experience, science, and research – it all adds up. Dude is the Einstein transforming everything we thought we knew about addiction.

Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions by Russell Brand. Hot damn, this book is poetry from cover to cover. Bro is undeniably brilliant, hilarious, raw, and articulate. Also, he’s recovered from many an addiction and has a boatload of experience. I could not recommend this book any more emphatically to anyone struggling with addiction of any kind.

Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. Do you struggle with self-care, self-discipline, self-esteem, self-awareness, self-hate, self-confidence, self-appraisal, anger, guilt, shame, counter-dependence, or numbness? This book can probably tell you why. Highly recommend.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. Understanding emotional (im)maturity may be one of the most useful skills in relating to others and in your own healing journey. Insightful, practical, and useful book. Great resource for reparenting yourself.

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller. Originally published as Prisoners of Childhood (way better title, IMO). Brilliantly articulated understanding of how neglect, abandonment, and emotional misattunement in childhood denies us access to our feelings and our authentic self – and how to get them back.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté. This book spells out the developmental psychology of human attachment and maturation through parental relationships with amazing clarity and insight. Useful for understanding what you did or did not receive from your parents.

The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Cope with the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jasmin Lee Cori. This book is white hot fire. It clearly illustrates what is necessary for maturation and development of a healthy self, and exactly how relationships suffer when that doesn’t happen.

The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity by Nadine Burke Harris. A pediatrician’s experiences, observations, and understanding of the lifelong impacts of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). I’m appalled so few people know about the ACE study. But I didn’t know about it either until I read this book.

Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder by Gabor Maté. ADD is an acronym that stands for “How you adapted to survive a dysfunctional childhood.” As such, this book isn’t just for those diagnosed with ADD. It’s low-key all about trauma, shame, dissociation, attachment, maturation, and human development.

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo. If you have any interest in CPTSD, mental health, or the healing journey, this book will push your wig back. Great writing. Powerful story. The audio version literally has sound clips of her therapy sessions. Cannot recommend more emphatically.

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. Wow. I’ve never seen anyone paint a more vivid and brutally honest picture of the ravages of codependency in my life. Pretty light on the recovery side of things. But raw, vulnerable, courageous, jaw-dropping at times, and entertaining as all hell.

Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life by Christie Tate. Beautiful illustration of the power and importance of a healing community. Indeed, we can only heal relational trauma relationally. This book takes you through like a decade of group therapy, and her transformation is pretty remarkable. Solid read.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Powerful memoir from a brilliant writer who’s been intentionally walking a path of healing and self-discovery for decades. Witty, funny, profound, captivating, empowering. All of the things. Love this book.

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. Because trauma invariably leads to  shame and self-abandonment, self-compassion is literally the MOST important thing on your healing journey. Perfect blend of insight, personal experience, research, practical tools, and exercises to illuminate the path to wellness.

Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear by Claudia Black. “Explore past losses. Connect the past to present life. Challenge internalized beliefs. Learn new skills.” Fantastic book that covers everything from childhood wounds to maladaptive traits to recovery. Very useful in understanding the healing journey.

Triggers: How We Can Stop Reacting and Start Healing by David Richo. Triggers are windows into the unfelt, unprocessed, or unhealed parts of ourselves. They can be a gift or a curse, depending on what you do or don’t do with them. Great book on how and why we must grieve in order to heal and move on.

Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones by James Clear. This is THEE book on behavior change. Seriously, if you wanna change anything in your life, read this. Extremely practical guidance and tools for personal transformation.

Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach. A beautiful and inspirational read on worthiness, acceptance, belonging, and inner peace. Both psychological and spiritual. Personal and professional. “Healing” necessarily means improving your relationship with yourself. This book will help with that.

Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence by Rick Hanson. Straightforward, readily applicable information and practices at the intersection of neuroscience, mindfulness, evolutionary biology, and psychology. Not too sciencey. Heavy on meditation and mindfulness. Good stuff.

Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie. Practical framework (“The Work”) to free us from the suffering we manufacture in our own minds. The Work slices through bullshit like a samurai sword. This book can change your whole relationship with reality from adversarial to peaceful.

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle. This book started my whole spiritual journey. My understanding of self, ego, past, present, future, emotions, triggers, mind chatter, duality, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I recommend a hardcopy (not audio), and read in small doses. Marinate on each page or concept.

10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works – A True Story by Dan Harris. ABC news anchor and lifelong atheist has an on-air panic attack that drives his search for inner peace. True story. Literally LOL hilarious. Meditation 101 for the fidgety skeptic.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz. We gave everyone at our wedding a copy of this book. Simple. Profound. Easy read. Conducting your daily life by these basic principles can absolutely transform your existence.

Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh. Love this guy. The embodiment of mindfulness. This book makes “being here now” seem so simple and doable. Mindful walking, eating, breathing, listening, being with your feelings, etc. Peace, acceptance, compassion. Such a yummy little book.

Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality by Anthony De Mello. My dude was an Indian, jesuit, psychologist who spoke about profound spiritual and psychological insights like his favorite football team was going to the Super Bowl. Just poking holes in shit you’ve believed your whole life and then laughing. A true spiritual gangster. Maybe not a book for beginners. But I love it.

When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté. Absolutely appalling that modern medicine still keeps the mind and body in different, unrelated silos. It’s fucking stupid, actually. This book is an unambiguous wake-up call for the collective denial of mental health as an indispensable part of physical health.

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed. Excerpts from her advice column. A whole book of heartwarming, bite-size snacks of vulnerable storytelling and sincere compassion. So good.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson. Perhaps too cheeky for some, but if you like how I write, you know that humor makes the medicine go down. Literally THEE book that made the self-help genre cool again. Like it or not, this rising tide lifted all the boats. And I really enjoyed reading it.

The Biology of Belief: Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles by Bruce H. Lipton. A fantastic look at the physiological effects of our subconscious beliefs. I always appreciate when doctors and scientists break down seemingly intangible concepts with irrefutable evidence. Also, Bruce is just so likable.

Brave Enough by Cheryl Strayed. Sweet little book of Cheryl’s flamiest quotes – one on each page. I’ve gifted this to no less than twenty people. Great nightstand or coffee table piece. Like a fortune cookie you can crack open forever.