Why do people settle for less in relationships?
1) Unresolved relational trauma.
3) The oxytocin tsunami of early love makes them blind, docile, and complacent.
None of these is your “fault.” But they’re definitely your responsibility.
Telling yourself or someone else to “stop settling for less” is akin to “just say no to drugs.” It may be well-intentioned, but it’s textbook Dunning-Kruger effect — ignorant shit said by people who are too ignorant to understand how ignorant the shit they said is.
Lest anyone get wildly internet-offended and give me a piece of their keyboard, let me temper that statement by saying that “ignorant” is seldom a global descriptor of an entire person.
I know a whole bunch of stuff, but when it comes to anime, professional sports, sailboat mechanics (or any number of things), I’m pretty damn ignorant. Not because I’m a bad person. I just don’t know about those particular things.
Settling, dating emotionally unavailable people, self-sabotaging, being codependent… whatever you think your “problem” is that you “need to stop doing,” I assure you, it is but a symptom of a problem far deeper than the straw-men of “weak will” or “bad luck” you’re dumping all of your ammo into.
My suggestion is to talk to someone who specializes in relationships — whose passion and career focus on understanding human behavior.
I’m guessing when you have a toothache, you probably don’t try to figure it out yourself. I’m pretty sure you go see a dentist.
Saddle that same logic and ride it into the office of a trauma-informed coach or therapist so you can stop beating yourself to death with the blunt end of your own toxic shame.
You’ll be shocked to discover just how much help is available when you ask for it.