You Are Good Enough

Brazilian MMA fighter Alexandre Pantoja recently won the UFC flyweight world championship belt. In his post-fight interview with tears in his eyes, he said, “My mom take care of me and my two brothers alone… Now, Dad, you proud of me, Dad. You proud of me.” It was profound. But also, it’s not uncommon to hear professional fighters disclose their childhood trauma to millions of fans after winning a gnarly fight. I think it’s safe to say most of them are trying to make somebody proud.

I see so many people in the world today who are driven to go, go, go, do, do, do, give, help, sacrifice, and achieve — all the while nearly drowning in their own busyness. They never feel like they’re doing enough. It’s like they “should” be better than this by now. They “should” be further along. Always feeling behind. Trying to prove something to someone.

Whenever I see this, I’m struck by the tragic and nearly inconceivable thought, “Oh my God, she doesn’t know she’s good enough! No one ever told her.”

It kinda reminds me of the Japanese soldier who never got the memo that WWII had ended and hid in the jungles of Lubang for 29 years. This might sound extreme, but how many of us have been lurking in the dark jungles of our own perceived inadequacies for just as long?

Never Good Enough

Did your family criticize, judge, tease, or shame you? For your grades, your looks, your weight, your performance, your choices, your hobbies, your friends? Did you learn to hide certain things about yourself because you knew they’d have something negative to say about it?

I vividly recall the time my pops asked what my blood sugar was, and when I told him 120, he shook his head and said, “Mmm… that’s a little high.” And because 120 was literally the target blood sugar my endocrinologist taught me to aim for, I realized this motherfucker had no idea what he was talking about. My blood sugar would never be good enough for him. That moment of clarity helped me to stop taking his disappointment personally.

But wanting your father’s approval and knowing you’ll never get it didn’t exactly liberate me into a world of self-acceptance, compassion, and love.

Stop Trying

Counterintuitive as it is, the first step in becoming good enough is to stop trying to be good enough. Carl Rogers, founder of humanistic psychology, wrote in his book On Becoming a Person, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Trying to be good enough is a lot like “the pursuit of happiness.” By definition, pursuing something means you don’t have it. Happiness isn’t something you achieve; it’s something you are.

Which is exactly how being good enough works.

When people don’t know how lovable they are, they tend to carry 80% of a relationship on their back. They feel the need to over-function and over-deliver in order to compensate for their perceived not good enoughness. However, if you’re inclined to carry 80% of a relationship, you’re gonna keep dating 20% ass people.

Again, it’s very counterintuitive. I don’t feel lovable, so I’m gonna do more. But the way you upgrade from dating bums to dating decent people who carry their fair share (50%) of a relationship is by doing less! Stop trying to be perfect, awesome, sexy, self-sufficient, accommodating, needless, strong, or whatever. Just be human. Be authentic. Be yourself! That’s the only person you’re qualified to be, so trying to be anything but yourself is gonna backfire eventually anyway.

Knowing You Are Good Enough

Ok, truth be told, going from a deep sense of inadequacy to confident, abiding self-love isn’t as simple or as easy as anyone will tell you it is. That journey is different for everyone. It may involve healing from toxic shame, dealing with childhood trauma, learning to set boundaries, practicing self-compassion, etc. I recommend finding a good coach or therapist, getting connected to a healing community, and implementing the four pillars of growth.

But most importantly, don’t turn your healing journey into another metric for judging yourself as not good enough. Know that you’re good enough now. AND… you are simply someone who is committed to growth.

I don’t think you’d say the caterpillar is an unlovable piece of shit until it becomes a butterfly. The caterpillar is a butterfly…

It just doesn’t know it yet.

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