2 Questions That Can Change Your Life

Many of humanity’s greatest personal challenges stem from unresolved trauma, which shows up as various forms of dissociation and self-abandonment. Some trauma occurs when we’re babies, too young to even remember explicitly. But our bodies remember that shit like it was yesterday! And it often results in lifelong, compulsive, self-defeating habits and behaviors.

And because trauma is a fundamentally disintegrating experience, the healing process necessarily involves integration (thoughts, memories, feelings, experiences, bodily sensations, etc.) and becoming whole. It is a radical return to yourself. And a major part of this journey is learning how to feel your feelings and identify your unmet needs.

To put it simply, when our needs are satisfied we feel good, and when our needs are not satisfied we feel bad. So your feelings are essentially biofeedback from the innate wisdom of your body regarding the quality of your self-care. It’s kind of miraculous when you think about it.

But if you don’t know how to deal with your feelings and your needs, life turns into an uphill ass-whoopin. Therefore, I believe we can all benefit from adopting the following practice…

Asking the Questions

As many times as possible during your day, pause, get still, close your eyes, take a deep breath, and ask the following questions:

How do I feel right now? What do I need right now?

Take some time to explore each of these questions in the moment, not jumping to any conclusions. How do you feel in your body? Tension, heaviness, warmth, strength? How do you feel in your emotions? Vulnerable, content, excited, afraid? How do you feel in your thoughts? Successful, proud, misunderstood, disrespected? Pay particular attention to where you feel these things physically in your body, and simply allow the feelings to be present without judgment.

Next, consider what needs you currently have – physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, etc. What do you need in order to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure? In order to be the best parent, spouse, or employee? What would make your life more wonderful in this moment?

After reflecting on these questions, decide on a course of action that honors your feelings and your needs. This is the crux of reparenting yourself and learning to feel at home in your own skin.

Yesterday afternoon I asked myself these questions. My answers were “I feel exhausted, and I need some rest.” I laid down on my bed and was asleep in 60 seconds. I definitely needed a nap. But without asking those questions, I’d be inclined to just power through my day (self-abandonment).

Adopting these two questions as a daily practice can drastically transform your quality of life. But don’t take my word for it – try it yourself.

The Power of Now

Remember, the emphasis is on right now. If you ask yourself these questions and come up with, “I feel sad. I need to move to a new neighborhood,” you’re doing it wrong.

While it may be true that you need to move, it’s not particularly helpful because you can’t move right now. Thus you’re reinforcing a belief that you can’t get your needs met (helplessness).

What’s the unmet need for connection or protection that has you feeling sad at this moment, and what specifically can you do to address it now? Call a friend? Go somewhere that feels safe? Get a hug?

You may be surprised to find out just how capable you are of self-soothing, meeting your needs, and creating a life for yourself that doesn’t suck.

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