How Do I Attract a Healthy Partner?

Woman blowing a dandelion, wishing to attract a healthy partner

The most frequently asked question by those who are frustrated with dating – How do I attract a healthy partner? The answer is actually quite simple, although wildly counterintuitive: you have to love yourself.

Loving yourself is bar none the single most attractive thing you could ever do.

And to be clear, we’re not talking about self-aggrandizement, narcissism, arrogance, egomania, entitlement, sociopathy and the like. Those are closer to self-lust than self-love and are often in the nature of compulsive, neurotic behavior and trauma responses.

Yeah, not that.

Self-love looks more like healthy self-care, self-discipline, positive self-talk, self-protection, communicating your wants, needs, and feelings, setting appropriate boundaries and such.

Taking a bit of creative license here (or plagiarizing the bible, depending on how you look at it)…

Self-love is patient, self-love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Self-love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.


Being around people who hate themselves is no fun. In fact, it kind of eats away at your soul and makes you wanna stab yourself in the eye with a rusty screwdriver. Think about it. When was the last time you spent time with someone who constantly berates themselves?

“I’m such an idiot. I can’t do anything right. I’m a mess. Sorry, I know I should be better than this by now, but I’m just no good at life.”

One can only tolerate so much of this toxic, self-deprecating, pessimistic shit-spew before clutching their pearl necklace and sprinting in the opposite direction.

No, I will not be your date to the self-pity party.

Unfortunately, many people don’t even realize they hate themselves. They use sarcasm and humor to try to make flogging themselves in public socially acceptable. And most people give them the satisfaction of an awkward laugh, simply because it’s easier than saying, “If your decidedly unfunny, thinly-veiled self-loathing is a cry for help, a petition for sympathy, or an invitation to join, I’m not interested.”

Hating yourself will never make people love you. It may get you some attention. But love, never.


Being around people who love themselves, on the other hand, is downright wonderful. They remind us that we are good enough, life is splendid, and everything is gonna be ok. We’re allowed to make mistakes, have bad days, and be human without fear of condemnation, shame, or retribution. Their self-acceptance is contagious!

If someone openly declares, “I’m a piece of shit,” it’s easy to imagine their opinion of you behind closed doors isn’t particularly heartwarming. But someone caring and generous with themselves is certainly more apt to extend that kindness to you. Which person would you rather spend time with?

You may also notice that being around whiny-ass, poor me, perpetual victim types is fucking exhausting. Why? Because you have to uphold emotional boundaries with them like a bloodthirsty mob of zombies is trying to break into your house. It really takes a lot of work to protect yourself from their unboundaried negativity. These people are doing the emotional equivalent of farting in an elevator with you. Even though you may love them and care about them in many ways, they’re just awful to be around. And guess what? You are under no obligation to keep climbing into the elevator with their stank ass.

Meanwhile, it takes no work at all to be with people who radiate love and positivity because you don’t have to play goalie the whole time to keep their bullshit out of your chakras. Unlike those energy vampires who drain your life force with their blather, people who love themselves actually enliven, inspire, and energize you! They are a joy to be around.

Honestly, self-love is the secret to all of my success in life. In relationships, health, education, business – you name it. Self-love opens the door to receiving abundance. Self-hatred slams the door shut. Simple as that.

Being A Healthy Partner

Now, here’s the tricky part. Some people are great at taking care of themselves when they’re single (because they have no choice), but as soon as they get into a relationship, they abandon the shit out of themselves and focus all their energy on the other person.

Have you ever tried this? How’d that work out?

Yeah, it didn’t work for me either.

There’s a long list of reasons why self-abandonment destroys relationships, but the reason we’ll highlight today is that a relationship cannot survive in the absence of self-love.

If I’m not giving love to myself, the shit I’m giving you isn’t love either. It’s probably just candy-coated manipulation.

My deep fear of inadequacy is compelling me to do a bunch of nice things for you because I’m terrified of being abandoned? Ummm… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that’s not love.

Love has to come from inside of you. If it’s not there, it’s not anywhere.

If you do not love yourself, you will lack the fundamental capacity to give healthy, mature, functional, adult love to another human being. And this is what a healthy partner will want from you. Without self-love, all you have to offer is codependency, love-addiction, and fear-based attachment, which are extremely attractive to all the wrong people.

Do you see? If you want to attract a healthy partner, you absolutely have to learn to love yourself.

That’s it. That’s the answer to your question.

Published by Adam

Mentor, coach, speaker and educator for over 12 years. I have recovered from and triumphed over many obstacles and afflictions. It brings me tremendous joy to help others overcome similar circumstances so they can live their best lives.

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