When Boundary Violation Is Your Love Language

In Gary Chapman’s classic title, The 5 Love Languages, he describes the various ways in which people give and receive love. For instance, some people don’t feel loved by their partner unless they experience physical affection or hear affirming words on a regular basis. Some feel disconnected from their beloved if they aren’t spending quality time together. Others assess the strength of someone’s devotion by what they do for them or give them.

I don’t think any of these five love languages are necessarily better or worse, more or less healthy. I believe they’re simply a product of our childhood and cultural conditioning. They’re values that were instilled in us somehow. And while you may not necessarily need to change them or do anything about them, it’s for sure a good idea to be aware of what these desires are.

Other Love Languages

I’ve heard people jokingly exclaim that tacos are their love language and things of that nature. And while this may just be a silly thing to say, it actually points to a surprising truth for some people — that there are more than just five love languages. The truth is, no one is born with a love language; it’s something we’re taught. And therefore, it’s possible to learn that volatility is love, that codependency, abuse, or enmeshment are love.

Yikes.

And it’s recently come to my attention that some people will gauge how much you love them by your willingness to cross your own boundaries, neglect your ideals, or abandon your values.

If my partner will forego self-care to be with me, if they’ll shirk responsibility, ignore friends, or push themselves beyond their healthy limits… they must REALLY love me!

Now, this logic makes perfect sense to me, but mannnn is that shit unhealthy as fuck.

If self-abandonment gets you hot and bothered, then dysfunctional relationships become incentivized for you. Learning, healing, and growth thus become counterproductive to your primal urge for connection. Emotional intelligence and maturity turn to threats, and healthy boundaries feel like abandonment. It starts to look as if you stand to benefit by never growing up or healing the relational wounds that have you out here trauma-bonding with people whose broken pieces match yours.

So yeah, as it turns out, there are some love languages that will ruin your entire life if you don’t recognize them as developmental trauma and get busy addressing that shit with a good therapist or relationship coach, posthaste.

Because some love languages are just trauma responses trynna be cute.

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