Do you date people who are emotionally unavailable, immature, or somehow unable to give you what you want in a relationship?
Just for fun, let’s do a little experiment…
Write down your complaint(s) about your past or present relationship(s).
Example: My partner is never there for me.
Now, write down the opposite or the thing you allegedly want.
Example: My partner is always there for me.
Next, assume this is something you literally could not tolerate, which is why you don’t have it.
Then, lay aside all the stories in your head — the pride, ego, resentment, indignant self-righteousness, and justified anger. Put all that shit off to the side for the time being and sincerely ask yourself what reasons you could possibly have for avoiding the thing you supposedly want so bad. You don’t have to believe any of it. Just make an exhaustive hypothetical list.
Example: Why wouldn’t I want my partner to always be there for me?
- I’m actually terrified of real intimacy
- I don’t know how to deal with that level of closeness
- I couldn’t reciprocate that behavior and can’t expect anyone else to
- I’d be devastated if I lost that, so it feels safer to never have it
- I use my grievances as leverage to manipulate my partners
- I need a partner I can blame to avoid dealing with my own shit
- I’m most comfortable with abandonment because it’s how I grew up
- I like “chasing cars” but never actually want to catch one
- I don’t believe I deserve a healthy relationship (shame or low self-esteem)
- I’ve got a victimhood identity or scarcity mindset I need to uphold
- I low-key wanna prove how strong and independent I am
This list could go on for days. But when you’re thoroughly uncomfortable, start going through each one and considering the possibility that it may contain some truth.
What are your other options?
- I’m not lucky
- All the good ones are taken
- It’s all their fault
- I’m terminally unique
- All men/women are crazy
These are what I like to call “bullshit ass excuses.” If you’re not the problem, there is no solution.
When you finally get to a place where you realize that you’re definitely contributing to your own chronic dissatisfaction, I suggest asking for help. Coach, therapist, mentor, 12-step sponsor, whatever. You’ll need another human being to help triangulate your dysfunction. For sure.