Unhealthy Relationships Are a Symptom

No one wants to be in a relationship where being yourself and speaking your truth doesn’t feel safe.

Sometimes authenticity and vulnerability don’t feel safe because our partners are judgmental, shaming, controlling, or abusive. Other times, authenticity doesn’t feel safe because our parents were that way when we were children. 

And in many cases, unsurprisingly, both of these things are true.

If the problem was just that you date shitty people, the solution would be simple: stop it. Like, if you’re allergic to peanuts, stop eating peanuts! Problem solved.

But no one has a “dating shitty people” problem.

Unhealthy relationships are a symptom of a much deeper issue that people would rather not talk about.

Trauma, shame, insecure attachment, low self-esteem, codependency, maladaptive coping mechanisms, emotional immaturity – there’s all kinds of shit lurking beneath the surface of your alleged “relationship problems.”

Unresolved trauma tends to manifest as some form of self-abandonment. And people often blame the effects of self-abandonment on their partners (because self-abandonment feels like loneliness).

Decidedly not a strategy for success.

If you have a story in your head about how all your failed relationships were “their fault,” I would like to gingerly urge you to consider the possibility that perhaps your claim “my partner failed me” is a misplaced extension of “my parents failed me.”

Also, maybe this projection conveniently doubles as a self-fulfilling prophecy that will ensure perpetually unsatisfying relationshits unless you get some professional help and address the real issue.

Blame may give you relief, but it’ll never give you a better relationship.

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