The Tragic Dilemma of Anxious Attachers

Anxious attachment is a pattern of human relating rooted in childhood abandonment. This abandonment — whether physical or emotional and no matter how subtle — interferes with the maturation process, causes numerous unhealthy dependencies, and invariably leads to self-abandonment. Today, I’d like to point out an often overlooked but particularly insidious relational dynamic common to anxious attachers. But first,Continue reading “The Tragic Dilemma of Anxious Attachers”

How To Know If Someone Can Change

Are you hoping for your partner to change? A friend, sibling, boss, or parent? Do they swear up and down that they are going to change, but you don’t really see the evidence? You see their potential and wanna give them the benefit of the doubt. You have reason to believe they can or willContinue reading “How To Know If Someone Can Change”

The Importance of Community on the Healing Journey

If all of human existence were contained within one day, we as a species have lived communally for 23 hours and 59 minutes. We are currently living with unprecedented levels of isolation, independence, self-reliance, and individualism. Humanity ain’t built for that and it shows. Without getting all Yuval Harari about it (author of Sapiens: AContinue reading “The Importance of Community on the Healing Journey”

Fear of Being Seen

Children who were frequently teased, judged, criticized, micromanaged, mistreated, compared, guilted, shamed, bullied, or abused often grow into adults who are terrified of being seen by others. Understandably so. But this translates into a fear of vulnerability, intimacy, and authenticity. A fear of self-expression and even of self-examination. The sense of self atrophies for thoseContinue reading “Fear of Being Seen”

The Shitty Childhood Paradox

Imagine you had perfectly loving, supportive, and emotionally mature parents. All of your material wants and needs were taken care of as a child. Friendship, community, great teachers, joy, healthy habits — your childhood was practically ideal. Except… your drunk uncle raped you at family events for a decade and you were too terrified and ashamed toContinue reading “The Shitty Childhood Paradox”

Apologizing for Having Needs – A Sign of Trauma and Shame

Do you apologize for getting emotional? For being hungry? Needing to use the bathroom? Are you out here telling people you’re sorry for having the regular-ass needs and experiences of any other living organism? When people say sorry too much, I always read between the lines, “I’m sorry for existing – clearly your life would beContinue reading “Apologizing for Having Needs – A Sign of Trauma and Shame”

Perfectionism As an Attempt to Be Lovable

What’s the carrot that dangles in front of every perfectionist? What’s the supposed thing that happens at the end of all their striving? Maybe then I’ll be good enough. Then I’ll get noticed. Then I’ll be loved, accepted, and appreciated. Perfectionism as Codependency I wonder if we could consider perfectionism just another flavor of codependency? OneContinue reading “Perfectionism As an Attempt to Be Lovable”