You Don’t Find Love, You Create Love

Pencil, ruler and blueprint to create love

Anyone out there searching for love? Looking for your soul mate? Maybe you thought you found “the one,” but you were mistaken. Perhaps this has happened more than once. Are you looking for a needle in a haystack? Well, I’ve got some good news for you. There is no needle! That’s right – love isn’t some object waiting to be discovered. You don’t need to look harder or have better luck. You just need to create love.

Finding love isn’t like finding a parking spot. It’s more like finding a career. That shit takes work.

How To Create Love

Get the Fix Your Picker Downloadable Guidebook. This will take you through a rigorous process of diagnosis, discovery, questioning, rewriting and design for your future love, explained below:


If you don’t know what your problem is, I promise you won’t solve it. First get clear on what patterns and characteristics are undermining your relationships. There are two full pages of them in my guidebook. Many people don’t realize how many unhealthy patterns they exhibit until they see them all on paper. It’s quite an eye-opening experience.


What are the fears and belief systems that are driving the behaviors you identified in the diagnosis? Every undesirable action has a faulty belief behind it (usually fear-based). If you don’t find out what these beliefs are, you will most likely continue to repeat your patterns. Many people are extremely out of touch with their fears and even deny them vehemently in order to feel or appear strong. That same smokescreen may be the very thing that’s keeping you stuck. The Fix Your Picker guidebook will help you get honest with yourself about it.


Where did you learn your relationship skills? Did you have healthy role models? What version of love did you learn? Was it conditional, manipulative, cold, enmeshed, abusive, shameful? It’s so important to ask these types of questions because your operating system for love was installed by someone else when you were very young. And many people live their entire lives with a skewed idea of love and unwittingly pass it down to their kids having never asked these simple questions.


After identifying your dysfunctional habits of thinking, doing and being you must explicitly rewrite them. In order to get rid of old patterns, you must replace them with new, healthier, more functional patterns. It takes conscious effort to override what you have been unconsciously doing for years. The guidebook helps you move away from unintentional victimhood to intentional creation of healthy love through various writing exercises.


Just as you cannot recover from something you haven’t identified (proper diagnosis), you won’t hit a target you can’t see (goal setting). I’ve created a six-part process for bringing clarity to a vision of your future love and have suggestions for how you can bring it to life. As the brilliant architect Buckminster Fuller once noted, “The best way to predict the future is to design it.” Hope is not a plan of action. Get involved.

Taking Action

After completing this written inventory process, it’s a great idea to share it with another human being for accountability. I recommend re-reading it periodically and even daily during a new relationship. It’s important to practice doing the new behaviors you wrote about. Action is what turns knowledge into experience, skill and wisdom. It is a vital part of the healing process. Without action, all that work you did is just a bunch of words on a page. “Create love” is an action!

Hope vs. Action

Many people want to find love the same way we all hope to just find a $100 bill laying on the sidewalk. Who doesn’t want it easy? There is something so magical and alluring about the idea of just stumbling across your soul mate in the frozen foods aisle on a Tuesday night. It’s probably that same human desire that sells millions of lottery tickets in a single day. People love shortcuts, fantasies and free stuff. To put a spin on the old Marx quote, hope is the opiate of the masses (and if you’re not familiar with opiates, they make you an apathetic lump of complacency).

So if you’ve been hoping to just get lucky one day and that day hasn’t come, are you gonna keep waiting with baited breath and fingers crossed? People die like that. Why don’t you try something different? (see Why People Stay Stuck). The fact is, if you don’t change, your relationships won’t change (see You Don’t Deserve Better). If you want different results, you’ve got to take different actions. Simple as that.

Unfortunately, most people (including myself) aren’t willing to take action until they’ve had enough pain. If you’ve had enough, here are some things you can do to heal yourself, create love and improve your life:

If you have questions, please comment below or contact me directly. I’d love to help.

Published by Adam

Mentor, coach, speaker and educator for over 12 years. I have recovered from and triumphed over many obstacles and afflictions. It brings me tremendous joy to help others overcome similar circumstances so they can live their best lives.

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