Author Archives: Adam

Most people have heard the phrase “fight or flight,” and probably an increasing number of people are hearing about the other stress responses of freeze and fawn. Regardless of how much you know about these 4F strategies, you’ve likely heard them come up in a context of triggers, bad habits, and lizard brain reactivity. ButContinue reading “Fight / Flight / Freeze / Fawn”

It’s all fun and games until someone dies alone after a lifetime of chronically unfulfilling relationships. Before I created FixYourPicker.com, I used to hear countless people describe their terrible relationship history by saying, “Yeah, I have a broken picker, haha.”  In most cases, they would literally laugh about it. I was one of these peopleContinue reading “Hormones and 10th Grade Biology”

Trying to change someone’s behavior (often via managing, mothering, manipulating, or martyring) is a type of codependency where you violate another person’s boundaries. Tolerating someone’s harmful behavior, oddly enough, is also considered codependent; although here you’re allowing them to violate your boundaries. These are essentially the outtie and the innie of codependent dysfunction. There’s aContinue reading “Codependency and Boundaries”

Esther Perel once said, “Sometimes when a person doesn’t feel worthy of love, they replace it with being needed.” And what better way to ensure being needed than joining the ranks of helping professionals like doctors, nurses, and therapists? I imagine electricians, drug dealers, and funeral directors are in similar demand, but one interesting outcomeContinue reading “One-Way Vulnerability”

A need does not require a specific person to do a specific thing. That’s called a demand. There’s a lot of talk about “setting boundaries” these days, and I’m happy to hear it. But many people don’t know what that means or how to go about doing it. I hope this article will help shedContinue reading “Needs, Boundaries, Requests, and Demands”

If your life isn’t good enough without a partner, what do you bring to a relationship? A not good enough life? “I don’t like my life, I need someone to share this with.” Yes, relationships are a place to learn, heal, and grow. For sure. You can depend on a partner, be inspired, and supportContinue reading “What You Bring to a Relationship”

Centuries ago, Blaise Pascal wrote, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” I believe he was describing not a fear of loneliness but a fear of being with ourselves. Being here now in the present moment with our feelings, experiences, and fears. Facing what Kierkegaard called “theContinue reading “Is Dissociation Behind All Your Problems?”

Everyone you date is teaching you a lesson. Could be about yourself, boundaries, expectations, codependency, communication, conflict, compromise, vulnerability, compassion… literally anything. But more often than not, that lesson has something to do with becoming a fuller, more integrated human being. And I don’t mean that in a “You complete me” kinda way. I meanContinue reading “Love – The Ultimate Teacher”

Whose love did you crave most when you were a kid? This is typically a parent but sometimes a grandparent, sibling, or coach. And who did you have to become to get that love? What did you have to do or not do? Did you have to perform, please, prove, or perfect? Be super grownContinue reading “The Things We Become for Love”

Hypothetically, let’s say you feel absolutely terrible. Physically, mentally, emotionally — something just ain’t right. So you go see your doctor right away. The doctor says, “Mmm hmm… I understand your symptoms. I know just what the problem is. I’m going to prescribe some medicine for your ex.” You reply, “Thanks, doc. I feel much better already!”Continue reading “Wishing Others Would Change”