You-Statements vs. I-Statements

If y’all can learn this one ass lesson about healthy communication, I swear on a stack of babies it’ll improve your relationships by one million percent. The use of I-statements (speaking about your own experience) is a safe and boundaried way to communicate that builds trust and intimacy. You-statements (speaking about others’ experience), however, are generally critical, accusatory, and destructive.

The difference between “You did that wrong” and “I’d prefer if you did that differently” is unmistakable. One expresses a personal preference, and the other, a judgment.

When someone tells me what I want, think, feel, or do — or even worse, what I SHOULD want, think, feel, or do — I instantly wanna roundhouse kick them in the esophagus. I usually don’t, but my point is that you-statements are emotional boundary violations that tend to mobilize a defense reaction.

I’ve also observed that people seem to fire off you-statements when they themselves are emotionally flooded. It makes good sense. When someone feels threatened, I think it’s natural to plan an attack. And you-statements are for sure a way to attack someone.

Unwanted Identity

I don’t know how other people feel. I don’t know their intentions, fears, or challenges, nor do I know what they want. That being the case, speaking to them as if I did is rude, condescending, and oh so presumptuous.

You-statements assert, “You are my opinion of you.”

And as Brené Brown points out, “The quintessential elicitor of shame is unwanted identity.” Thus, projecting an opinion onto someone else’s identity is a fundamentally shaming experience.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (to reference Brené’s work again). Therefore, you-statements are an absolutely shitty way to communicate — especially to someone you supposedly care about.

A you-statement is an already reached conclusion. It indicates that someone is probably not open to a discussion or interested in changing their mind. I-statements, on the other hand, clearly communicate that you are willing to work on your fifty percent of the relationship. They are a way to share our authentic selves with someone. This is the very foundation of intimacy.

A you-statement doesn’t share anything authentic about the speaker or the recipient. It’s weaponized speculation that leads immediately to defensiveness and over time to contempt and withdrawal.

Homework Assignment

I want y’all to start paying attention to the way you speak to people. Notice how a you-statement pushes people away and an I-statement invites them to come closer.

It will blow your mind.

If you’re in a relationship, ask your partner to participate in this experiment as a way to strengthen your connection. When your partner lets a you-statement slip (happens to the best of us), simply ask, “Can you restate that as an I-statement?” And when you catch yourself, say, “Whoops, let me try that again,” and rephrase your sentence.

It’s challenging, but it’ll bring a lot more mindfulness to the way you talk to each other, which will inevitably improve the quality of your relationship.

And if this article is too short for your liking, check out this, this, or this. Or read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. But for the love of God and small children, please don’t keep using you-statements.

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