Author Archives: Adam

People toss the word codependency around all day, but few know what it really means. “I’m codependent on my mom because I always borrow money from her.” No. You’re dependent. She’s the codependent one. Codependency is doing things for others that they could definitely do for themselves. Unwarranted care-taking. Unsolicited advice-giving. It’s compulsive “helping” thatContinue reading “Codependency Is Exhausting”

Self-sabotage is the “You can’t fire me, I quit!” of life. That’s plain to see, but have you ever stopped to investigate why in the actual fuck anyone would purposefully undermine their own chances of success? Upon cursory examination, it doesn’t make any sense. But just below the surface, it makes all the sense inContinue reading “Self-Sabotage Explained”

Farmers know when a crop has problems, the environment it grew from is to blame — not enough sunshine, water, or nutrients. The crop’s needs were not adequately met. The same is true for humans. If you have relationship problems — codependency, narcissism, love addiction, love avoidance, etc. — the environment you grew from is the source of the problem. ForContinue reading “Unmet Childhood Needs Masquerading as Love”

People like to focus on their partner’s shortcomings: He was abusive!She was a narcissist!He was controlling!She was a drug addict! Yeah, yeah, yeah, ok. But what about you? What kind of person forms deep, emotional entanglements with wounded or emotionally unstable people? Hmmm… You guessed it! People who need to take responsibility for their ownContinue reading “Sickies Date Sickies, Wellies Date Wellies”

This morning my precious cat was yacking a hairball (or something barfy) at 4:00 am. I heard her pumping that thing out in a few different locations near the bedroom. Shortly thereafter, I heard my wife get up to use the bathroom or something. I said, “Hey Love, Rainey just threw up at least twice — probablyContinue reading “Ms. Communication”

People often find their passion in life by giving to the world what they didn’t get themselves when they needed it most. I became an educator – to offer guidance, support, compassion, and understanding to adolescents who were often struggling to make sense of this crazy-ass life. That’s what I needed when I was younger.Continue reading “Being Human Is Harder Than It Looks”

You can’t love someone and control them. You have to decide between the two. Most folks aren’t controlling in the early, magical stages of a relationship. If they are, run! People generally keep a lid on their neurotic bullshit at least long enough to establish sexual ties and some emotional investment. Then they turn upContinue reading “Love or Control – Pick One”

In the mystical whirlwinds of a new relationship, our deepest human desire is fulfilled — our desire to be seen, heard, and valued by another. We are intensely seen and heard in the beginning, aren’t we? And smelled, and touched, and tasted. Yes! The sheer volume of validation and self-esteem that comes when someone is attracted toContinue reading “Love Explained”

(then comes growing the f**k up) Filling out official documents, I used to wonder why marital status options were “single, married, widowed, or divorced.” Where was the committed relationship box? As a serial monogamist, I always felt dishonest putting a check next to “single.” But after being married a few years now, I completely understand.Continue reading “First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage”

Childhood is a dangerous hood. It’s where most of the world’s pain and suffering come from. There are many maladaptive ways to survive a shitty childhood (becoming invisible, perfectionism, attention-seeking, addictions). Some of these coping mechanisms can be abandoned when we reach adulthood. But many of them stay lodged in our psyche as trauma-induced, defaultContinue reading “Stages of Emotional Healing”