Author Archives: Adam

You make me feel stupid. You make me feel insignificant. You make me feel so alone. … Please stop saying, “You make me feel.” No one can make you feel. You are responsible for your own feelings. If you think your feelings are everyone else’s fault, you are screwed. No, really, I cannot emphasize howContinue reading ““You Make Me Feel””

Many unsatisfying relationships are characterized by consciously thinking you deserve better while unconsciously believing you can’t do any better. You’re resentful at your partner but won’t leave. You want to leave, but you don’t. Maybe you threaten to leave. Often. Perhaps you actually do leave. But then you get back together when you decide thatContinue reading “Believing You Can’t Do Any Better”

Let’s define addiction as behavior you cannot stop doing, even when you want to, despite negative consequences. We could all benefit from looking at our behaviors through this lens and realizing that just because we’re functional members of society who don’t smoke crack doesn’t mean we don’t suffer from addiction. What are the things youContinue reading “Do I Have An Addiction?”

The most frequently asked question by those who are frustrated with dating – How do I attract a healthy partner? The answer is actually quite simple, although wildly counterintuitive: you have to love yourself. Loving yourself is bar none the single most attractive thing you could ever do. And to be clear, we’re not talking aboutContinue reading “How Do I Attract a Healthy Partner?”

A poem, written by low self-worth, shame, codependency, love addiction, poor boundaries, and anxious attachment (it was a collaborative effort). Will you love me unconditionally if I always look the right way and say all the right things? Will you love me unconditionally if I put you on a pedestal and worship the ground youContinue reading “Will You Love Me Unconditionally?”

Dear peacemakers, people-pleasers, nice guys, don’t rock the boaters, and all who avoid conflict: stop lying to yourself. All that alleged kindness is a compulsive and subtly self-destructive shame-avoidance tactic. When people avoid conflict to “keep the peace,” they’re usually waging war with themselves. They’re dismissing their wants and needs, ignoring their intuition, stuffing theirContinue reading “You Don’t Avoid Conflict, You Internalize It”

Healing the parts of yourself that cannot receive love. If your stomach could not receive nourishment and outright rejected food, you’d have a critical situation on your hands. I experienced this when a low blood sugar coincided with a stomach flu, and I simply couldn’t keep glucose in my stomach or convince my body to processContinue reading “Emotional Malnourishment”

“I’m insecure.” “I love really hard.” “I’m a perfectionist.” “I have an addictive personality.” “I’m always anxious.” Many of the things we say about ourselves are not descriptions of who we are inherently but of the coping mechanisms we adopted to survive childhood. Maybe the self-proclaimed people-pleaser grew up with dysfunctional parents who threw adultContinue reading “Stop Calling Your Trauma Response “Me””

Pushed out into the cold air and blinding lights of existence, my first breath on earth was a cry for help. At one-second old, I already understood the profound human need for connection and protection. My very survival depended on it. It did then, and it does now. But children most especially need to feelContinue reading “Connection and Protection”

This is a specific instance of what appears to be a basic human axiom: We accept the [anything] we think we deserve. In most cases, our worthiness thermostat is set during childhood. We are taught what we deserve, often unwittingly by parents who may have loved us very much and may have had good intentions,Continue reading “We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve”