Category Archives: Uncategorized

Life is sloppy. It’s not tidy or well-behaved. Nor is it the most predictable thing around. The whole mess is an iterative, trial-and-error investigation that hopefully moves you ever closer to self-discovery on your journey from utter unconsciousness — stumbling through various identities, beliefs, feelings, and realities — to a conscious existence that requires the least amount of psychicContinue reading “Stay in Your Lane or Stay in Your Pain”

“There is no way to self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is the way.” – Slight twist on a classic Gandhi quote. Self-acceptance is not what you get after becoming the best version of your best self. It’s not something you must earn, achieve, or prove yourself worthy of. People often jam acceptance from others into the hole whereContinue reading “Self-Acceptance Is The Way”

In nature, when an animal is afraid, all the other animals will either run away from it or attack the shit out of it. Humans are kinda the same way, unfortunately. When we’re anxious and afraid, we broadcast physiological cues of threat, and the people around us react accordingly.  This is why fear of rejectionContinue reading “Cues of Safety and Threat”

I was blown away by this concept of “The Protective Self” presented by Jackson Mackenzie in his brilliant book, Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse. In this article, I’ll be sharing this idea with you mostly in my own words and with my own spin.Continue reading “The Protective Self”

Most people have heard the phrase “fight or flight,” and probably an increasing number of people are hearing about the other stress responses of freeze and fawn. Regardless of how much you know about these 4F strategies, you’ve likely heard them come up in a context of triggers, bad habits, and lizard brain reactivity. ButContinue reading “Fight / Flight / Freeze / Fawn”

It’s all fun and games until someone dies alone after a lifetime of chronically unfulfilling relationships. Before I created FixYourPicker.com, I used to hear countless people describe their terrible relationship history by saying, “Yeah, I have a broken picker, haha.”  In most cases, they would literally laugh about it. I was one of these peopleContinue reading “Hormones and 10th Grade Biology”

Trying to change someone’s behavior (often via managing, mothering, manipulating, or martyring) is a type of codependency where you violate another person’s boundaries. Tolerating someone’s harmful behavior, oddly enough, is also considered codependent; although here you’re allowing them to violate your boundaries. These are essentially the outtie and the innie of codependent dysfunction. There’s aContinue reading “Codependency and Boundaries”

Esther Perel once said, “Sometimes when a person doesn’t feel worthy of love, they replace love with being needed.” And what better way to ensure being needed than joining the ranks of helping professionals like doctors, nurses, and therapists? I imagine electricians, drug dealers, and funeral directors are in similar demand, but one interesting outcomeContinue reading “One-Way Vulnerability”

A need does not require a specific person to do a specific thing. That’s called a demand. There’s a lot of talk about “setting boundaries” these days, and I’m happy to hear it. But many people don’t know what that means or how to go about doing it. I hope this article will help shedContinue reading “Needs, Boundaries, Requests, and Demands”

If your life isn’t good enough without a partner, what do you bring to a relationship? A not good enough life? “I don’t like my life, I need someone to share this with.” Yes, relationships are a place to learn, heal, and grow. For sure. You can depend on a partner, be inspired, and supportContinue reading “What You Bring to a Relationship”